Squire's Loft Steakhouse

12 Goldie Pl 
Melbourne, VIC 3000

http://www.squiresloftcity.com.au/

Tonight is a special night; it’s the night Chris lost his rib-ginity. I couldn’t believe it when I heard that a man of 20 years has never had ribs before: luscious, fatty ribs with juices that drip down between the fingers, the flavours soaked in so as to make you want to gnaw on the bones after the meat’s long gone. And where do you get ribs? At a steakhouse of course; namely, Squire’s Loft Steakhouse. 

If there’s one thing Melbourne likes, it’s guilty-pleasure food masquerading as fine dining (hot dogs, burgers, baos – just to name a few), so it’s no surprise that Squire’s Loft was all completely booked out on a Friday night. 

I was disappointed that Squire’s Loft didn’t have a loft. Until we were led up into the loft. Whilst the downstairs dining area had to share itself with the cash register and semi-open kitchen, the upstairs was a dining hall for nothing but feasting. It’s truly a man’s domain up here – nothing but brick, wood, and makeshift chandeliers hanging from the exposed rafters. 

There’s nothing better than bread, except free bread – that’s what I always say anyway. This bread was pretty good, Chris and I agreed. The edges were crusty and the center was warm and springy. Then we came to a crossroad of opinions; Chris on the one hand loved the way the butter melted into the bread, whereas I thought the entire doughy confection was ruined by the watery, subpar Western Star butter. 

Porterhouse Steak (200g, $25) and Garden Salad ($4 surcharge)

You can’t go to a steakhouse without ordering steak, so aside from the ribs, we got the Porterhouse Steak (200g, $25). It came with a side of potato chips/mashed/baked, which I decided to swap to a Garden Salad for a $4 surcharge. 

Plenty of people, especially my mum, would cringe in horror at this, but I like my steak to bleed when I cut into it. Keeping that in mind, I ordered my steak medium-rare, expecting a bright red center. This was definitely not medium-rare; it was medium, leaning towards medium-well on one side. Add that to the fact that the steak is hardly wagyu, and you have yourself a tough, flavourless hunk of protein.

Pork Spare Ribs (500g. $32.5)

Thankfully the Pork Spare Ribs (500g, $32.5) we came here for were significantly better. The meat was literally fall-off-the-bone tender, and whilst their signature steakmate baste didn’t really stand out, the addition of some good cracked pepper in the marinade was all that was needed to flavour the succulent ribs. If only the 500g didn’t include the bones.

Squire’s Loft Steakhouse was definitely a miss for me. The ribs were very tasty, but the steak was frankly atrocious, especially considering that steak is what this establishment specialised in. Coupled with the fact that, for the price of the better cuts and sauce to go with (it’s charged separately), you could get an amazing piece of wagyu at Rockpool Bar and Grill that is cooked to a juicy medium rare. And bottomless bread and butter. And 7 different condiments. And service that isn’t sparse and dismissive.

Rating: 11.5/20 – boot-leather steak.

This rating reflects my personal experience at the time of visit. And the number of times I blew my nose during the meal. 

Rockpool Bar and Grill

Crown Casino 8 Whiteman St

Southbank, VIC 3006

rockpoolmelbourne.com

“Would you like some bread for the table?” Of course we do. Of course I do. And thus began the slightly belated dinner at Rockpool Bar and Grill, part of the present I gave him for his Birthday. We very much enjoyed the steaks we had here on our last visit, but as I wanted to try a burger, whereas Chris wanted another steak, we ended up sitting in the no-bookings wine bar section, where we could order both. 

So, about that bread. Excellent warm sourdough with a crackling crust – as it should be.

Plate of Olives ($6)

I never knew excellent bread and butter could be improved upon but they were by a simple Plate of Olives ($6). They were marinated in warm olive oil, augmented by the flavoursome additions of thyme and orange peel. There was a highly enjoyable distinction between the large and fruity green olives, and the oilier black ones. 

Wagyu Skirt ($42, 240 grams, aged 20 days)

We wasted no time in getting to the delicious, delicious bovine. Our Wagyu Skirt ($42, 240 grams, aged 20 days) was a working cut, explained the waiter, and that meant that it would have a lot of chew, but also a lot of flavour. It was indeed quite a sinuous cut of meat that required a lot of jaw work, but the flavours were unbeatably beefy, made better by the generous amount of wood-fire grilling. It’s a great cut for all you people out there who love masticating. 

David Blackmore's Full Blood Wagyu Hamburger ($24)

I was more interested by the famous David Blackmore’s Full Blood Wagyu Hamburger ($24), which consistently receives fabulous reviews by the blokes at The Burger Adventure. My personal opinions however were fairly mixed. It’s a great patty they have between the sugary brioche buns – juicy and perfectly medium rare – but I just can’t help feel that the burger is missing something. Maybe it’s cheese that melts into the crevices of the beef, maybe it’s the fatty, smoky drippings from the patty, or maybe it’s just plain soul. Either way, the burger was a bit too prim and proper for my liking, as great as the ingredients were.

It was at this point that we really noticed the difference between the wine bar and restaurant. Whereas they would time everything perfectly in the restaurant so you would get your courses in succession, sitting in the wine bar meant that our food came in a flurry, leaving us struggling to find space on the overcrowded table. I had to give up my half-eaten bread, and that was not a pretty sight.

Onion Rings ($9)

We got some of the fabulous looking Onion Rings ($9), and it proved to be an excellent decision. The usage of red onion meant that these deep fried delights were a lot more delicate, and the lightly salted batter stayed tempura-crisp even after it became cold.

Green Beans with Creamy Anchovy, Chilli and Lemon Dressing, Toasted Almonds ($9)

Our other side was the lighter dish of Green Beans with Creamy Anchovy, Chilli and Lemon Dressing, Toasted Almonds ($9). This was a light and cool counterpoint to the heaviness of the meal so far. The green beans were garden-fresh with an audible snap to it, and were drizzled with a light yet creamy dressing that held a faint but distinctive fishiness. Topped off with toasted almonds, this is something I would love to be able to make, if I knew how they did the dressing. 

Passionfruit Marshmallows ($8 for 10)/Domaine Huet Clos du Bourg Chenin Blanc 2009 ($14/glass)

We were bursting at the seams by this point, having eaten almost twice as much as our neighbours. However the voucher I bought must be used in one meal, and I’ll be damned if I let any of it go to waste! So instead we ordered a light dessert – Passionfruit Marshmallows ($8 for 10) for Chris and a glass of Domaine Huet Clos du Bourg Chenin Blanc 2009 ($14/glass) for myself. Most of what the sommelier said went over my head but she was right in saying that this was lovely, light drop that had lots of white peach and floral notes. As for the marshmallows, they were like perfumed clouds that dissolved on the tongue. Chris, who had never had ‘real’ marshmallows before, couldn’t stop marvelling at the texture.

The feeling I’ve gotten from Rockpool after my two visits is that, whilst the produce and execution of the food is impeccable, it has a mass-produced quality to it, and it lacks to TLC that makes a good dish remarkable. Once again, Rockpool didn’t manage to impress me, but it did manage to make me feel pampered, and made for an excellent night out.

Rating: 14/20 – i got soul but im not a soldier.

The rating reflects my personal experience at the time of visit.

Rockpool Bar and Grill

Crown Casino 8 Whiteman St
Southbank, VIC 3006 
rockpoolmelbourne.com
 

How much would you pay for a good steak? Clearly there are a lot of people out there who are willing to pay a very, very pretty penny, and thus, Rockpool Bar and Grill was born.

At Rockpool, cows are treated with reverence. The first thing you notice after entering the demure double doors is a striking portrait of a lavishly well-fed cow, enlarged to noble proportions and duly framed. Before you even get to the end of the long corridor and to the reception desk, you’ll come across a cabinet lit up like a Christmas window, except instead of elves and presents, there are all sorts of cow hung out to be dry aged. And don’t even get me started on the placemats printed with happy bovine enjoying nature. It’s all about the moo here.

To the young blonde chef, if you ever read this: you're super adorable.

 The intimate corridor opens out to a posh yet cosy room, overlooked by a dramatic open kitchen. A dozen chefs and apprentices work in a frenzy, simmering mussels, grilling steaks over the fire pit, roasting whole chickens, and generally making some awfully delicious smells.

After walking past Rockpool millions of times on our Southbank Saunters, we finally find ourselves on the right side of the blinds that hide the restaurant away from prying eyes. With someone to take our coats, pull out our luxuriously deep leather chairs, and even to offer me a black napkin so there won’t be any noticeable lint on my dark jeans, I felt like a princess.

Once the ordering was done, our wine glasses were whipped away, and out came the bread and butter. I tried to pace myself, but the thick, crusty sourdough slathered with pale, whipped butter and sprinkled with sea salt flakes was just too much. I seriously contemplated saying yes to seconds when another plate of bread was brought around, but managed to deny it once again. Next time.

Wood Fire Grilled Baby Octopus, Confit Potato and Hand Pounded Pesto ($24)

Wood Fire Grilled Baby Octopus, Confit Potato and Hand Pounded Pesto ($24)

After perusing the substantial menu for quite a while, Chris started off with a plate of Wood Fire Grilled Baby Octopus, Confit Potato and Hand Pounded Pesto ($24). The curls of octopus were an enviable balance chewy and tender, but distinctly lacking in the smoky taste you’d associate with wood-fire grilling. The pesto smeared over the tendrils of octopus was oily and fragrant, its flavours absorbed and reflected by the soft chunks of potato, and accentuated by the kernels of pine nuts. It was a good solid dish without being overwhelming.

Four Raw Tastes of the Sea ($34)

Rockpool may specialise in beef, but it also keeps well ahead of the game in terms of seafood. And because oysters and I still don’t get along, my choice naturally gravitated towards the Four Raw Tastes of the Sea ($34), consisting of premium cuts of kingfish, ocean trout, blue fin tuna, and squid, lightly dressed and delicately served.

Kingfish/Ocean Trout

First up was the kingfish; the dollop of kaffir lime provided an initial wave of flavour that faded surprisingly quickly, leaving behind something almost akin to blandness in its wake. Luckily it was saved by the fish itself, which was so fresh and textured I was half expecting it to swim off my plate. Freshness wasn’t all I found though; halfway through the second piece of sashimi, I came across a bone. This wouldn’t be a huge deal if it weren’t for the fact that I was eating at a two hatted restaurant, where things like this just shouldn’t be happening. The ocean trout was thankfully boneless, the fish silky and buttery, melding harmoniously with the simple grating of lemon on top.

Blue Fin Tuna/Squid Ceviche

The plump tiles of blue fin tuna were a surprise, with an unexpectedly nippy jalapeno dressing topped with ginger slivers and a sprig of coriander. The last raw taste of the sea was a squid ceviche, which has a satisfying almost-crunchiness, topped with an inspired little Mexican salad consisting of three types of peppers, avocado, and red onion, all minutely diced. There was definitely some excellent sashimi on the large square plate, but would I pay $34 for it again? Probably not, especially considering the awful fish bone incident.

David Blackmore Full Blood Wagyu Topside ($49)/Ranger Valley Dry Aged 300 Day Grain Fed Fillet ($69)

We pain-steak-ingly (hur.) chose our mains after a lengthy discussion with our waiter on the merits of each cut of beef. They were happy for us to share a couple of steaks, and offered to split them between two plates, which we denied for the entree (because I wanted to take a photo of the whole dish), but gratefully accepted for the beef. 

The first cut of beef we tried was the David Blackmore Full Blood Wagyu Topside 240g, 34 Days ($49). My god this has ruined all future steaks for me. The flavours were huge and symphonic, beefy and fatty and oh-so-glorious, with a charred exterior anointed with a squeeze of lemon and a just-right daub of sea salt. This may be a secondary cut, but it’s the best piece of meat I have ever had the pleasure of eating.

For contrast, our second steak was the Ranger Valley Dry Aged 300 Day Grain Fed Fillet 250g ($69). Whereas the wagyu was robust and beefy with lots of texture to it, this one was buttery and mild, melting in the mouth almost gelatinously. The beef flavours are a lot less prominent, the subtlety a little wasted after the extravagantly flavoured wagyu. Nevertheless, it’s a great cut for people who like their meats tender and delicate. 

Potato and Cabbage Gratin ($9)

We may have denied the condiment service for our steaks (horseradish, béarnaise, harissa, BBQ, and three types of mustard), preferring to savour the meats without any distractions, but it doesn’t mean we were able to say no to a couple of the tantalising side dishes. Our first choice was a decadent Potato And Cabbage Gratin ($9), served in a shallow pan. The layers of wilted cabbage and potato puree were covered in a devilish bread and parmesan mixture, baked until it’s a burnished gold colour. It’s way, way too much at this point, but it sure was good.

Chopped Cos Salad ($9)

Finally learning from all those times where I thought I would be able to handle a burger with double patty and bacon, a side of onion rings, and a milkshake, the Chopped Cos Salad ($9) made for a great refresher. The crispy cos leaves hid squares of sweet capsicum and creamy avocado, evenly tossed in a light lemon vinaigrette. And let’s not forget the brittle croutons scattered on top.

We had a good time at Rockpool; the food isn’t stunning, but the produce is impeccable. No corners were cut, and everything tastes so fresh and alive, right down to the minutely diced capsicum on the squid ceviche. The beef is definitely the star of the show, overshadowing all the other elements of the meal by far. Top that off with impeccable service from impeccably dressed staff, and you’ve got an excellent way to spend your tax return. 

Rating: 15/20 – moo.