Gloria Swanston's Kitchen

Upstairs at The Lounge

243 Swanston St 

Melbourne, VIC 3000

http://gloriaswanstons.com.au/

I’ve always been rather leery about bars. Though perhaps unfair, I feel like it’s often warranted. It’s not that bars don’t serve food, but I’ve realised that most people don’t go to bars to eat, even if the food is good. But like I always say: whatever floats your goat. And it’s food, not beer, that floats mine. 

Though the sign from the street says ‘Lounge’, it has since gone and reinvented itself, emerging as Gloria Swanston’s Kitchen. Still, a lounge is very much what it is – the music is booming, and there’s a disco ball hanging from the ceiling, casting fractals across the nooks and crannies. With the added bonus of a sheltered balcony for smokers, this is very much a place for the youngsters, especially the ones from RMIT, which is just up the road. Luckily, the staff at the bar are hip yet down to earth, with none of the pretension you may expect.

Kick-Ass Beef Burger ($16.5)

Ethan’s birthday was about a month ago, and because I couldn’t make it to the dinner, I’d vowed to treat the good man to whatever he wanted, which was a good burger. After consulting The Burger Adventure, which is the be-all-end-all guide to burgers of Melbourne if you ask me, we sunk our teeth into the aptly named Kick-Ass Beef Burger ($16.5).

Kick-Ass Beef Burger ($16.5)

It’s not often you get a burger full of salty bacon and double cheese, melted over the thick patty (juicy and charred) by default, so when it happens, it is indeed rather kick-ass. The fatty, messy mouthfuls of brioche, special sauce, and meat were supplemented with crispy shredded lettuce and pickle slices. Oh and, the crinkle cut chips on the side tossed in chipotle salt weren’t half bad either. 

Deep Fried Pizza Balls ($9.5, 5pcs)

Compared to the Deep Fried Pizza Balls ($9.5, 5pcs), the burger we just shared was almost light. Not only were the balls of mozzarella and pizza sauce battered and deep-fried to a golden brown, they were then to be dipped into a rich and thick basil mayo. Not that these weren’t good but dang son, I can feel these working their way into my arteries even now. 

Memphis Chicken Waffles ($10.5, 3pcs)

Like I was before my first time, Ethan was incredibly intrigued, and just a little repulsed by the idea of Memphis Chicken Waffles ($10.5, 3pcs). Though not as intensely flavoured as the waffles from Mr Big Stuff, the mild chicken wings were crisp and juicy, pairing well with the waffle, whose slightly plasticky texture was remedied by a good helping of syrup.

By 6:31, the disco ball was going psychedelically, and I was getting a sore throat shouting over the now-pounding music. Stay away if you have a hangover, or better still, rock up between 12-3pm every Tuesday for an $8 burger and fries combo that will kick that hangover up the buttocks (or so I’m told).

Rating: 15/20 – kick-ass.

This rating reflects my personal experience at the time of visit.